Whispering Thoughts No 41 The Art of Saying No – Gently

22 March 2024                                                                                        

Requests for one’s time, energy and assistance—from family, friends, colleagues—are a continuous stream. They can, and do, lead to over commitment. Accepting all requests tends to make one spread too thin and do things not to the best of one’s ability. All of us have, sometime or the other, said yes when we really wanted to say no to some request.

Saying yes when you really mean no happens because saying no makes one uncomfortable, it can feel callous, is complicated and in a complex manner even feel wrong. Many of us agree to things that we would rather not do only to avoid the discomfort of having to say no. Therefore, the challenge is how to say no without offending the other person while ensuring that one is not saddled with a feeling of guilt, of not having been supportive enough.

Why is it so hard to say no? Because it can hurt, disappoint, or even anger the person one is saying no to, an uncomfortable situation to be in.  NO, is a deceptively small two-letter word. However, it can trigger anxiety in the person saying it, because of the worry that one is communicating an unhelpful attitude, that one is not a nice and kind person, and in extremis, that one is hard-hearted and cruel.

The immediate questions that come up are, what is the need to say no? Are there any benefits of doing so? There are some foundational paybacks that come with saying no. First, it changes the way in which the normal day-to-day patterns swirl around you. Instead of being harried for time one gets an opportunity to review and prioritise one’s efforts in doing and achieving what is important. The world will start to look different. Second, by saying no to something that one is not directly involved in, one stops reacting to events and starts to move purposely towards where one wants to be, since it becomes easier to manage one’s time better. In other words, saying no improves the chances of success since it lets one focus on fewer and more essential things.

Third, in an indirect manner, saying no forces one to emphasise what one has said yes to, to honouring existing commitments. Every no, therefore, becomes a corresponding opportunity to fulfil something more important and critical in the long run, something that one prefers to do. Fourth, saying no permits one to set boundaries within which one will function, which in turn lets one make decisions from a place of comfort and authority, rather than from a reactionary place. Decisions made from the comfort zone will invariably lead to opportunities that further enhance life’s values through creating a mind set that focuses on priority commitments.

Without doubt, learning the art of saying no is critical to living a satisfactory life. However, it does not mean that one has to be rude or impolite when declining someone’s request or demand. Understanding the need to say no and finding the right way to do so is important. At the same time, it is crucial to appreciate that it is impossible to please everyone all the time.     

So, how does one say no in a polite and gentle, but firm, manner? There are some basic tenets that will help in this difficult process. One, know and lay down your own priorities. In today’s world, having some spare time is a luxury (Here I don’t include the really retired people). How this spare time is spent would depend on one’s priorities and directly influence one’s answer to a request for help that could consume the spare time. Establishing one’s priorities will assist in making this decision. Two, a corollary to the above, learn to value your time. Study and understand your commitments and how much time is consumed in completing them satisfactorily. The real value of the minimal spare time that you have will then become apparent. A request to assist must always be weighed against the value of the spare time that will be lost by saying yes. I would state that saying a firm no to requests for help demonstrates that you value your time. Ideally, being honest and stating that ‘I am already very busy and can’t help you’ could be the start of saying no.

Three, do not start to say no with an apology. Outwardly, this might seem a polite way to say no. Politeness is essential, but starting with an apology will make the no sound weak and lame, creating the opposite effect to what is being attempted. Saying no should be firmly done. It is good to say, ‘I am sorry’, but ‘sorry’ should not get construed, or come across, as a ‘may be’—defeating the whole purpose of saying no. Four, the apology, if proffered, should be matter of fact and candid. An apology should not make one feel that one is doing something wrong. The best apology is neutral, stating that one would have helped but cannot because of other priorities. What one is doing is saying yes to things that are higher in your priority list, the things that you really want to do.  

Five, keep in mind that saying no is not a bad thing. Every individual has the right to use personal time for things that are important to him/her. Saying yes indiscriminately only makes it easier for people to grab one’s time at their will. Saying no is effectively erecting a polite barrier to safeguard one’s time; it is not necessary to be always nice. Six, postpone saying no, buy time to sleep on it. This is important for individuals who tend to say yes whenever put on a spot and applicable when there is a doubt about saying yes. It is much easier to say no after privately processing the request and choosing the best format to decline. By indicating that you will consider the request, the no becomes less harsh than if said outright.

Seven, be sincere in saying no. At all times provide an honest and logical reason for declining a request, keeping it short and simple. Going into details risks one being ‘talked out’ of a no into an insincere yes.  Ensure that the person being told no understands it clearly. Avoid using terms like, ‘I am not certain’ that could lead to a belief that there is partial acceptance of the request. Eight, when one has to say no, just say no. There is great power in being direct. It leaves no room for misinterpretation or misunderstanding. Nine, be prepared to repeat yourself. This will be required in situations when the requesting party tends to push back on the no. Repeating is not as difficult as it seems and there is no need to repeat any explanation that have been given. Just repeating the no should suffice, especially if the initial explanation has been sincere. Ten, stick to the initial no. It is alright to be empathetic and polite, at the same time it is important to let the no stay without being diluted to a ‘may be’.

The bottom line is saying no is not easy, but once the art has been mastered life would be less stressful and more focused. Saying no should never make one feel guilty, it is not about being mean but about prioritising one’s time, energy, and well-being. And finally, a direct no will make an yes that much more powerful.  

Sanu Kainikara

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